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Rand da Man and his Master Plan

Rand: Is everyone here? Okay, good. Now, here is my plan. No big words or anything, so I don't confuse anyone.
*Glances at Nynaeve*
Nynaeve: What?
Rand: Nothing… ok now for my plan. To put it simple, I’m going to take over the world.
Elayne: Rand Al'Thor that is the…
Rand: Will you just shut your hole for five minutes? If you can't do that, try two ‘cause you’re annoying the shit out of me… and I’m not done.
*Everyone sits in silence*
Rand: Now… anyone who gets in my way, talks to me like they know more then me, or generally pisses me off, I’m gonna kill, cause frankly I don't have time for it and I’m just sick of it.
Tolvar: I think this is a stupid plan.
Rand: And you are?
Tolvar: I um, hang out at the Blacktower.
*Rand shoots balefire at Tolvar killing him*
*Rand looks around at everyone*
Rand: See?
Beldeine: You should not use Balefire it…
*Rand shoots Balefire at Beldeine killing her*
Rand: Any questions?
*long pause*
Rand: Good.
Rand: I'm a busy man I have shit to do. Don't do anything stupid while I’m gone. I shouldn't be long. Hey Mat, you want to come along with me? I'm going on over to Seanchan to take them over real quick like.
Mat: Rand, you don't know how in I am.
*Rand channels a gateway and jumps through. Mat jumps through behind him*

*Minutes later in the Court of the Nine Moons in Seanchan*
Rand: You the Empress?
Empress: What is the meaning of this? Guards! Capture them at once.
*Guards close on Rand and Mat. Rand raises his hand. Mat grabs Rands arm*
Mat: May I?
Rand: By all means.
*Rand steps back behind Mat. Mat takes his Ashandarei in hand dances around and slashes all the guards to the ground*
Mat: There you go all clear.
Rand: Damn man…
Mat: What?
Rand: That was fucking sweet!
Mat: Why, thank you my Lord Dragon
*Mat bows*
*Rand laughs*
*Rand turns to the Empress*
Rand: Oh yeah… almost forgot about you. Congrats on that Return thing. You conquered all of nothing. Is that the Crystal Throne there your sitting on? Very Nice. It’s mine now.
Empress: What?
Rand: What you didn't get the memo?
*Empress looks confused*
Rand: Mat, do me a favor and give her the memo.
*Mat Laughs*
Mat: You got it.
*The Empress reads the note*
Empress: This is preposterous!
Rand: Okay… you’re new to the new rules of SeanchRand.
Mat: Oh, I like that name.
*Mat chuckles*
Rand: I thought you would Chief, but as I was saying, your new to the rules so I will give you once screw up that was it. Don't screw up again or I’m going to have to put someone else in charge.
Empress: I will not bend knee to you. You’re a madman.
Mat: She called you a Madman.
Rand: So I am.
Lews Therin: I am the only Madman here hahahaha.
*Rand hits his head*
Rand: Shut it you little punk.
Lews Therin: Oh, sorry. Carry on.
Rand: Oh well…
*Rand shoots Balefire at the Empress*
Rand: Mat Find a loud speaker or something and get some people in here.
Mat: You got it.
*Mat finds a horn. Mat yells through the horn*
Mat: All residents of SeanchRand within hearing range of this get your asses into the Court of the Nine Moons now.
*Mat puts the horn down*
Rand: Another Horn?
Mat: Hey what can you do? It’s my destiny or something.
*A few minutes later*
Rand: Ok people… shut up. Everyone read the stuff I wrote on the wall over there?
*Brief pause*
Rand: Good. Now, anyone have any problems with this?
*Some Seanchan residents step forward*
Seanchan man: I think I speak for the few of us that stepped forward. We will not let you.
*Rand Balefires the man along with all the others that stepped forward, except one*
Another Seanchan man: Wait! I’m not with them.
Rand: Why did you step forward?
ASM: I saw a quarter.
Rand: Oh okay. Well in that case, you will be known as Quartero. You are in charge till I figure out what else to do. Hold up these laws and maybe you can stay in charge when I come back… sound good?
Quartero: Yes, my Lord Dragon.
All SeanchRand Residents: All hail the Lord Dragon!
Rand: Good. Prepare for the last battle I will need good fighters.
Quartero: Yes, my Lord Dragon.
Rand: Let’s go Mat. We have shit to do.
*Rand opens a gateway*
Mat: Holy Fuck! Rand, this plan of yours looks like it’s gonna work.
Rand: Of course it will.
*Rand Smiles*
Mat: You da man Rand
Rand: I Know.
*Laughing the two step through the gateway*


*An Hour Later*
Rand: Who’s in Charge here?
Robed Sharan: I am.
Rand: Did you get my Memo?
Robed Sharan: No, We received no such Memo. You are trespassing on our land you will…
Rand: I don't have time for this.
*Rand Balefires the robed man*
*Mat falls to the ground laughing*
Mat: That was great man.
Rand: Thanks. Now then, I’m The Dragon Reborn. I rule you now.
Sharans: Yes, my Lord Dragon,
Rand: Hey… that was nice and easy. You there! You… in the black, with the big nose.
Sharan: Me?
Rand: Yeah you. You will be known now as Nostrils, You are in charge till I return. Spread these laws and train for the Last Battle.
Nostril: As you Command.
Rand: Good then were off.
Mat: That was easy.
Rand: Wait.
*Rand Balefires three more people and a dog*
Mat: What was that for.
Rand: Needed to raise my kill count, didn't kill enough people here.
Mat: Why the Dog?
Rand: No Reason, ‘cept those shifty eyes…
Mat: Where are we going.
Rand: I need a short break were heading to Caemlyn. I wanna see if the hamsters did anything I told them to.
Mat: Hamsters huh? I like that.
Rand: That’s what they are… little useless animals with no meaning for being created.
Mat: True
*The two step through the Gateway*

*In Caemlyn, in Rand's meeting room*
Mat: Looks like everyone is here Rand.
*Rand looks up from a book*
Egwene: What are you reading Rand?
Rand: I found it with some books in the Library, its called ‘Curious George goes to the Zoo’.
Min: Why are you reading that?
Rand: Cause I feel like it, and its good. I like how this Man in the Yellow hat thinks, I could use some men like him.
Nicola: that is the stupidest thing I have…
*Rand Balefires Nicola*
Rand: Is everyone getting the picture yet?
Sheriam: You should not use Balefire so freely it is…
*Rand Balefires Sheriam*
Rand: I guess not.
*Rand puts down the book*
Rand: Okay, enough of this. Who did I put in charge of sending the Memos out?
Nynaeve: That would be me, you stupid little boy.
Rand: Nynaeve, why are you such a bitch? I mean really? One simple thing - send some Memos out and you don't do it. You know, If I didn't like Lan so much I would have just Balefired you. So since you owe Lan your life you are now his slave.
Nynaeve: What?! This is…
*Rand uses flows of air to shut up Nynaeve*
Rand: She’s all your big man.
Lan: Silence… oh the Silence. Thank you Rand, how can I repay you?
Rand: Just keep doing what your doing.
Lan: Not a problem.
*Lan runs off with Nynaeve*
Rand: Mat you ready?
Mat: Let’s rock and roll.
Egwene: Where are you going?
Rand: Are you questioning me?
Egwene: No I’m just interested.
Rand: Well… I have taken Shara and SeanchRand, so now I am off to the Island of Madmen, then I pretty much rule the world. Be back in a few. Don't touch anything or fuck anything up. you all seem to be good at that.
*Rand and Mat step through the Gateway*

*Island of Madmen*
*Rand and Mat find a large group of men*
Man: Finally you have come.
Rand: Que?
Man: We have been waiting many years for this. You are the Dragon Reborn are you not?
Rand: Ah, yeah, that’s me.
Man: Welcome, my lord Dragon, we are yours to command.
Rand: Who is in Charge?
Man: Umm you are.
Rand: Hot Dang! I love this Island. Isn't this the Island of Madmen? You all don't seem mad.
Man: Oh no, that’s just the Name Aes Sedai gave this place. We call it Dragonville. You see we are all men here, with some women, wives and such that came with use when we left the mainland. We are a people that grew sick of Aes Sedai Bullshit, so we came here to get as far away from those crazy bitches as possible.
Rand: Oh I see.
Mat: Crazy bitches...
*Mat laughs*
Mat: Can we stay here Rand? I love this place.
Man: Ever since we left we have been training an army for the Dragon’s Return. Here you are and we are your army. We have all sorts, Swordsmen, Male Channelers, and female Channelers the rules for the males were strict but since you fixed Saidin it has become much easier.
Rand: This is fucking great! I can't even tell you… What is your name?
Man: They call me Mickey.
Rand: Well Mickey, you will now be know as Mickey the man and you will be in charge till I call you. You are doing a bang up job so just keep doing what your doing till I call.
MtM: My Lord Dragon, may I ask your assistance in one problem that has come to our Island of late.
Rand: Hit me with it. You guys put me in a great mood.
MtM: Well, this man showed up a few days ago… he’s been waving around his sword and calling himself "the Seeker" or something, we don't know what to do with him.
Rand: Shit, not again.
*Rand looks over Mickey the Mans shoulder*
Rand: Is that him over there.
MtM: Yes it is. Do you know him?
Rand: Yep I do, I will take care of this… RICHARD!!!! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!!!!
*Richard runs up*
Richard: Oh Rand, umm what are you doing here? I didn't think this was one of your hang-outs?
Rand: Why are you in my book? AGAIN!
Richard: Umm its nice here I like it. Plus Kahlan was driving me nuts!!! Do this you’re a War wizard, do this you’re the Seeker of Truth… it wears on a man.
Rand: Do you see me in your book?
*Richard lowers his head*
Richard: No…
Rand: Richard you’re a cool dude, but I have a little thing called the Last Battle to win. After that, maybe you can come back and we can hang. But right now you’re just in my fucking way.
Richard: Okay, okay… I got it. I’m out of here, I will talk to you later though.
*Richard starts to walk away*
Rand: Oh and Richard one more thing.
*Richard turns*
Richard: Yeah?
Rand: I could kick your ass if I wanted you know that right?
Richard: Yeah I know, but we’re buds right so why would you do that.
Rand: Just making sure you knew…
*Richard walks off and disappears*
Mat: Man that guy is just a clown. I could have taken him out for you Rand.
Rand: I know, we just don't have the time. We gotta go. Mickey The Man take care of business. Thanks for the organization.
MtM: We will be waiting.
Rand: Lets go.
*Rand and Mat back through the Gateway*

*Weeks later on a battlefield- preparations for the Last Battle being made*
Rand: Okay so everyone knows what they are doing, correct?
Everyone: Yes, my Lord Dragon.
* Booming voice echo's over the battle field*
Moridin: Rand Al'Thor, I am Moridin! Meet me in the middle of this battlefield. I wish to challenge you to a duel to settle this once and for all. Bring two of your trusted people with you but only two.
Rand: Hmmm two huh? Well, Mat get over here. You know your coming.
Mat: Damn right I’m coming.
Rand: And lets see who else… ah, I got it. ELYAS get over here.
Elyas: Me?
Rand: Yep
Elyas: Okay, sounds good.
* Elayne clears her throat*
Rand: You have something in your throat? Here is some water. It will clear that right up.
Elayne: Rand, why would you take Elyas over one of the three of us?
Rand: Well I thought about taking Min, but I need her to take care of some things here. Right hot stuff?
Min: Yep, you can trust me.
Rand: I know it. But you and Aviendha… well you two say some really stupid shit sometimes and I can't have my mind clouded right now.
Elayne: But Rand…
*Rand holds up his hand*
Elayne: Crystal clear. Shutting up.
Rand: Good. I will see you soon don't worry. I’m bringing Elyas cause he can talk to wolves and smell stuff good. It might come in handy.
Perrin: I do that too Rand… and I’m Ta'veren.
Rand: You’re also pussy-whipped aren't you?
*Perrin lowers his head*
Perrin: Yeah, but it’s good pussy.
Rand: It better be for the shit you go through! Damn man. Okay, Mat, Elyas with me. Lan, you follow but at a distance.
Lan: I’m on it.
Nynaeve: No you’re not.
Rand: Nynaeve, shut the fuck up.
*Nynaeve pulls on her braid. She pulls too hard, yanking out a chunk of her skull, she falls to the ground and bleeds to death*
Lan: Oh well, I guess I will have to marry Berelain. We have been shacking up for awhile anyway.
*Rand, Mat and Elyas meet with Moridin, Cyndane, and Aginor*
Moridin: Okay, I wish to settle this… you and me… one on one. I am so going to kick your ass.
Rand: Well, since I already killed your ass once, I will let you choose how we fight this duel.
Mat: Oh… he didn't just say that did he?
Elyas: I think he did. Did you say you killed his ass Rand?
Rand: I believe I did say that indeed.
*The three laugh and give each other high-fives*
Moridin: Ha ha… very funny. I will reveal the challenge in a moment, but first so were clear. If I lose all evil dies and the Great Lord stays sealed. If you lose all good will die and the Great Lord is set free. In either case, the six of us here at this duel will survive. Also, mine and Al'thors women, or men if you’re into that sort of thing, will survive.
*Aginor snickers and eats a bug*
Moridin: Shut up and put the pen away, as I was saying our women, or men, will stay alive with us. Do you understand?
Rand: One thing. Do you like men?
Moridin: Yes.
*The three stand puzzled*
Rand: Well shit… I wasn't expecting that. You got me there. I understand your rules. Reveal this challenge.
Moridin: Prepare yourself Rand Al'thor. I Challenge you to a single game of Hungry Hungry Hippos for the fate of the world.
Mat: Oh, you picked the wrong game buddy.
Elyas: Even I know the Lord Dragons prowess in Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Moridin: I have never been beaten. I will now beat you and release my master on the world.
*Rand sits silently*
*Rand moves to the board*
Rand: Pink.
Moridin: What?
Rand: The Pink hippo, you choose the game I get my pick of hippos.
Moridin: Fair enough. When you are prepared Aginor will begin the game and let the marbles flow into the board.
Rand: Are you sure he’s up to it? He’s pretty stupid.
Moridin: Yeah. He has been practicing.
Rand: I am ready then.
Moridin: Begin.
*Aginor releases the marbles*
* The Pink hippo snatches a marble right away, and then another and another. Moridin’s Green Hippo snatches one, but the Green hippo is no match for the speed of the Pink. The Pink Hippo snatches marble after marble till all the marbles are gone. The Victor? Rand, and his Pink hippo.*
Rand: You should have known better then picking the green. It is no match for the pink.
Moridin: Damn you and your Pink hippo! Damn you!
*Rays of light shoot through the clouds, the evil army disappears*
*All that remains is Moridin and Forsaken who had not been Balefired*
Rand: You said all evil but you three and your women.
Moridin: I said men too. You see, these are all my bitches.
*Moridin laughs insanely and makes a gateway, the Forsaken jump through*
Moridin: We will meet again Al'thor and you and that pink hippo of yours will go down.
*Moridn jumps through the gateway and it closes*
Rand: Goddamn son-of-a-bitch.
Mat: That’s one smart guy. What did you mean about the Green hippo Rand?
Rand: Hu? Oh fuck, I don't know. I was just bullshitting. They are plastic man, there is no difference.
*Lan runs up*
Lan: That was one kick ass game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. I’m glad we sat down and played every day.
Rand: Me, too, Lan. Me too.
*The four walk back to their army victorious, with the Hungry Hungry Hippos game board, that saved the world from darkness, in hand.*